Chasing Cars

Not that anyone reads this, but someday someone will and be bored and a little disgusted by the amount I speak of relationships and my shortcomings in them. This is about a very specific problem I am facing and just can't overcome. My mind is set to mill at this point. I'm about to go off to Arizona to celebrate the beautiful union of Brian and Amanda. I will be spending large quantities of time with Brian and Gonzo. Brian is engaged and will be married Saturday, Gonzo has been married almost 2 years... I've not had more than 5 dates with someone since 2009. Slightly embarrassing when you consider the realization and soapbox I have about how men need to step up and pursue. Well, here's the thing... I am completely aware this week will be a time with a bit of inward focus about my own journey of singleness and the slowly fading illusion that is my future family. I've had some many thoughts and expectations of how that aspect of my life would unfold, only to realize, I was wrong. 1 week after Brian gets married a woman I once thought I would be married to and had planned to propose to will be saying "I do" to another man. Is it hard because I have feelings for her? Not one bit... Is it hard because I was so ready to walk down that aisle with her after having announced my undying devotion and giving her my life... yeah... It is. But, honestly, that has not been much of plague on my mind... not at all... because, something/someone much more important than that has filled my thoughts. She has been a friend of nearly 8 years but I have held her in a much more elevated position. She is one I care deeply for and would give anything to. My desire to sacrifice and pour myself out for her is something I really don't understand. In my had she is, and always has been, set apart from every other woman. She makes me nervous. She oozes joy. The more the world and hardships crush her, the more Jesus is a spring radiating from her being. The more fire and friction she faces, the stronger and more moldable she becomes. The more she suffers, the more she shines. She is battling constant trials within her body and all I want to do is make the pain go away. All I want to do is serve her, to cause her to smile, to bask in her radiant joy. I've never understood what love without expectation looked like before her. I hope and pray that she is constantly filled with peace and God's loving comfort through this time. She is fighting cancer. Cancer. The jerk of an ailment. It's like that headache that no matter what you do just won't go away. It's that scumbag of a disease that prays on the weak and weary and takes the lives of precious children and tired elderly people. It rapes and strips strong, and happy people of their time, hair and liveliness. But, not her. It is but another catalyst for trust and joy. Instead of igniting a simmering depression or anger, it provides a smoke signal of God's grace and healing. Instead of sounding of a nagging alarm, it is a soft song of praise. Instead of a repugnant stench of discouragement, it is the sweet fragrance of faithfulness. But that is her... She is a daughter of the Most High King, The heir to His goodness and Love... She is a flower growing in the middle of the desert. She is poor in spirit, thirst for hunger and righteousness, is meek, and mourns for her Savior. She is Prov 31 and so much more. I can't help but to have a strong desire to cherish and encourage her. She knows not of the depths of my feelings for her. Would it mess things up? How would I tell her? If she allowed me, how could I pursue? How could I lead her? Have you ever seen a dog chase a car? What would one do if it actually caught one? That's where I am. Clueless. How could I treasure her like she deserves? How could I point her any more toward Christ? What would show her how special she is? How would I reveal my mistakes? How could I make her life better? Where do you go from friends for 8 years? How do you turn that friendship into a romance? How do you shift you mind, and her mind for that matter? I don't know what to do... and that is where my mind will be. Praying for her healing, praying for positive reports, but also desperately seeking the answers to these hypothetical conditions. We will see how it all unfolds and see how God leads, but for now, I'm just that dog with a dream of catching a car... afterall that'd look great on the wall right? We will see how God orchestrates and illustrates this plan of His.