So, a few months ago a friend got married and at the wedding I was asked why I'm not married... What a question. Any of you who are single and past your early twenties have most likely been asked that. Most of my years I've kind of shrugged it off, given some automatic response like "I haven't found the right one yet", "God must be still getting us ready", "I'm too busy to think about a relationship", or "It's in God's timing". All of these are good answers, but I began to unfold how much of a mask these can be and I really began to ponder this question. I once heard a preacher say that if you are in your mid to late twenties and aren't married something is wrong with you. Though, I don't agree with him to that extent he took it to, I do agree that there can be things we are (or aren't) doing to make it difficult to move past singleness. I've personally crippled myself in the amorous realm by keeping myself too busy, not asking girls on dates, not being clear and upfront with intentions, having too many female friends and not going out and meeting people. Each of these are keeping me from having progressive romantic relationships.
Busyness is a way many people suppress (or just ignore I guess) their feelings and emotions. It keeps people from facing their reality face to face. If you are constantly going, doing and thinking about other things, it gets really easy to ignore the thoughts, the loneliness and the emotions that plague us. When you stop, slow down and take a breath, those feelings will often creep in. So, to avoid that, I, like many single people, keep myself so busy that I don't take time to really analyze and consider romantic prospects. Not only that, but it reduces the opportunity to try to develop those interests and meet new people. If you always have the feeling of busyness, it makes it harder to make time for others and to invest in relationships. Also, from an outside view if you always seem busy, it makes you less approachable and reduces the appearance of availability to those looking in. Slowing down, allowing for some flexible time and introspection will help me get to a place where I can spend the time necessary investing in others and myself for a chance at possible deeper relationships.
Not asking girls out on dates is a sure way to NEVER develop a healthy relationship. As the guy, a lot of the responsibility of the initiation of a romantic relationship is enveloped in the decision to take a girl on a date, continuing dates and beginning the pursuit. Christian culture has become so destructive to dating over the past handful of years. Books like "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and others have really left Christians confused on how to start a romantic relationship with someone. A former mentor and leader of the leadership program I went through in 2006-2007 has written a blook (blog + book) about a Method for Dating that I think is fantastic. It is the first piece of literature that I have read that really helps point Christians towards healthy dating and beginnings of a relationship. I've read this and it is changing the way I look at dating and relationships. I am choosing to read through it regularly. I really haven't asked a girl on a date, just a straight up date, since Stephanie (blegh) in 2009 (Wow, that was a long time ago) until I asked Amanda McKethan on a few dates this summer and fall. Now, with Amanda, she was an amazing girl and I think things could have really progressed had she not lived 3 hours away and I would have had a real opportunity to actually pursue her. I watched "We Bought a Zoo" on January 1st 2012 and was a little challenged to have 20 seconds of courage. That small of an investment will have one of two returns. A complete letdown of only 20 seconds (no big deal) or a complete success that could be life lasting. Hmmm... Sounds like an easy decision, right? It communicates worth, creates opportunity and is a doorway to unlocking life-altering connections with another person. So, why not? Rejection? Well, a "no" is just someone else's way of saving you time realizing you aren't compatible. So, really, there is no reason not to! Most girls WILL give a courtesy date after all. :) So, anyway, I proclaim, shout it out and WILL make more of an effort to go on dates.
The next step I need to make to be able to have a progressing relationship is be more clear and upfront with my intentions. Now, a former roommate of mine once told me that he decides within an hour of meeting every girl whether or not she is marriage material. He said if he meets a girl and find her attractive he is immediately evaluating whether he would want to pursue her or not. I am not that guy. He also is one who doesn't develop platonic friendships with women because he says it is "pointless". I've been told by many that it isn't a good idea to develop close friendships with the opposite sex because when you get married those friendships will typically end or change. I imagine those people are the same ones who don't eat because in the end it will just be poop (sarcasm). So, for me, I have lots of female friends and I deeply value them. I LOVE getting to know people. I ask a ton of questions and want to hear people's stories. Sometimes, this can be misconceived as flirtatiousness or romantic interest. Now sometimes, there is a little “what if” or attraction there, but I tend to not act upon that (as I've learned, all that is lovely is not good). So, it is easy to want to spend time and get to know someone to try to determine our compatibility through a series of interactions. If I am not clear, as I apparently have been in the past, it leads to confusion and heartache and that really awkward moment where a female friend decides I want to kiss her but am too shy to. That is a bad time to tell her I don't see us working out as a romantic couple. So, instead, I make remarks about seeing them as a friend and am intentional about the statement that if a girl want to know if a guy likes her, the best way is for her to wait for him to tell her he likes her, or assume he doesn't. If there is a girl I am interested in, I should be bold and let her know... after all, the worst thing that can happen is her not be interested and we both move on (and she misses out (; )
The next consideration concerning why I am I still single at this point in my life is that I surround myself with friendships with females. In all practicality, this doesn't HAVE to be a hindrance, and in many ways, it actually enhances my marriageability. Though, it is very easy to be lumped into “just one of the girls”, the “friend/brother” category, or even as a womanizer or too “safe” or effeminate. These are a diverse array of thoughts, but all things I have encountered. There is also the assumption that I get the female gratification and encouragement I need from my relationships with women. This difficulty usually turns out to be more of a problem for girls than my own personal hindrance, I believe. Because I am friends with so many females, there seems to often be a level of mysteriousness or differentiation that is absent when talking to me, as opposed to other guys. The problem with that, is friendships are usually formed on similarities, attraction to the differences. Many girls assume that a guy hanging with a group of girls either a. he Likes one, or b. One likes him. And, the kind of girls I prefer to attract are the kind that aren't going to step on another girl's toes to get to a guy. So, this could easily dissuade women. Regardless, I highly value my friendships with my female friends and will continue to have them, but will be more intentional to spend guy time with buddies.
(Since I started writing this blog post that has taken FOREVER I have made a larger group of friendships with some guys. So, I'm no longer completely surrounded by girls.)
The final, and maybe most monumental, reason I am not married at this point in my life is I don't go many places where I can, or make en effort to, meet women. If you are usually surrounded by the same people, and you don't have/aren't seeking a romance with any of them, there is nearly no chance of developing a relationship. In today's society we are becoming more and more isolated with every new technological advancement. Because of this, we have had to turn to technology. So many of us work 50+ hours a week... or weird hours... and then, if you aren't into the bar scene, spend some time with friends maybe, go home and watch TV or play on the computer or whatever your interests are and we have little to no interaction with the outside population. Well, if you aren't planning to date within your typical social circle, you are in trouble. Work is not really a place to try to pursue someone, that's not very professional. So, we get on eHarmony, Match.com and PlentyofFish and seek out a cyber friend to possibly develop a romance with. This is not that bad of a thing if you meet through that medium and eventually in person. As for me, I've browsed the sites, but never really been impressed. There are too many uncertainties and awkwardnesses in my mind to pursue an eRomance. So, regardless of my presence on sites, which I've created several profiles, I've NEVER tried to pursue someone from them and don't think I will. So, I'm left with a need... a need to actually go places I can meet people. It is unlikely I will date within my Monday night Bible Study group. I spend my Wednesday's with the same crew... and often Saturday evening and Sunday lunch. So, I'm left with Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday morning and Sunday evening. I don't really have any options through my church, so I must seek outside of my normal schedule. I must intentionally go places I will meet other people. Events with intersecting (but not overlapping) groups, other Bible Study groups, feeding the hungry on Saturdays (I think that would be a great place to meet a woman!), Citygate and other networking possibilities. With that being said, if I will have just 20 seconds of boldness (as mentioned earlier) in a location where there is a chance to have that opportunity, my romantic life could be changed.
As I finish this post... I see that some things have slightly changed over the past several months, but overall there are multiple things that have led me and suspended me in my current singleness. When I decide to make an effort and pursue the possibility of a relationship and am willing to do my part to make it happen, God will provide. I truly believe that all things are two part... God will provide when He believes it is best for us... I also believe it isn't best for me until I am willing to work toward it. I look forward to how God works in my heart to prepare me for the poor girl He has planned for me who must endure the huge task of partnering with me for life. I can say now as I see a bit of the man God is crafting me to be, that I understand why none of my relationships before have been successful and all HAD to end. I'm thankful for God's providence and over time will be working these things out to lead me to the front of a room some day... where a passionate daughter of the King will take the long tear-inciting march to the front of a room where I will be standing... shaking... knees weak, short-of-breath and completely humbled to be announced as her husband til death do us part.
